Dear Millennials, Brooklyn Bee Keepers, Dirty Old Hippies, Purist Progressive Prudes, Easily-Manipulated Wannabe Politicos, Washed-out Celebrities, and Anti-Establishment Whiners:
The jig is up.
Your tiresome, poorly-timed, and short-sighted attempts at nominating Bernie Sanders as the Democratic candidate for President are futile. And transparent. I’d like to hit you with some truth. Actually, I’d like to hit you with a hickory stick and throw you in a VEGAN burlap sack and ship you to a Zika-infested jungle, but that’s just not ladylike.
- Millennials and younger voters like Bernie because they think he’s calling out the corporate world for not hiring them, not promoting them, and not rewarding them for being self-entitled cry babies. Sounds harsh? Think about it. These kids graduated college and couldn’t land the job at the finance gig, start-up, Ad agency, or law firm they were *PROMISED* and envisioned their whole over-educated lives, and were left scratching their bungi…and settling for something not glamorous. Boo hoo. Can’t brag about your job to your Tinder date? Money is tight? Blame Hillary. Blame Goldman Sachs! Real mature, dumb dumbs. These Bernie voters are the recruiters, independent data consultants, and kids who’ve lost their shit-eating grins and currently waddle into a “CoWorking” space everyday. Wall Street may have had a gambling problem and Corporate America may not want to hire you, but voting for Bernie ain’t gonna fix it. He’s about as likely to curb the banks and tax corporations and make college free as I am to grow an oak tree out of my left boob. Get a hold of yourselves! Look inward. Go learn how to code. But don’t vote for Bernie.
- It’s time for a woman president. Specifically, this woman president. She’s earned it. There is literally nobody else on the face of the planet who is more qualified to lead. She’s the global valedictorian who can also punch you in the face. Forget her experience, or her overwhelming lifelong commitment to helping advance women’s rights and working families and making this country less terrible – instead, remember that at the end of the day, Bernie is just a dude, with decent talking points delivered in an endearing Larry David accent, raining on the Political Beyonce’s parade. He has managed to vilify feminists and position Hillary as an unworthy liar. For shame.
- While electability doesn’t make for a strong primary campaign messaging platform, it sure as hell will matter in November. If we retardedly nominate Bernie, people like me will be so furious with our own party’s stupidity and self indulgence that we will literally sit this one out in effigy. Or vote for a Republican. Why? Because we don’t deserve to win if we don’t elect her. Our voting privileges should be revoked if we don’t have the common sense to realize she’s our only hope at avoiding a pro-life, bible-humping, anti-immigration ass hat in the Oval Office.
- WHO CARES IF SHE GOT PAID TO GIVE SPEECHES TO BIG BANKS? WHO CARES IF SHE F-ED UP HER EMAIL????????????????? Homegirl needed to pay her bills. Money in politics is never going away -and compared to Republicans, she could be doing a lot worse. Let’s not forget she did a fan-fucking-tastic job as Secretary of State keeping us safe and smart at the same time, so what does it really matter if she diva-ed out and demanded her own server? Big whoop. We got bigger fish to fry.
You know that scene at the end of 8 Mile? When Eminem has to go first in the rap battle and absolutely dominates because he brilliantly lists out all the funny/mean/tragic shit his opponent would use against him? He comes alive on stage, owns the past, and showcases his talents. That will never be Bernie.
Hillary’s got baggage, she’s got flaws, but has the talent. Because she is so human and continues to fight, even against lesser unworthy cranky farts like Bernie, she deserves your vote.