There’s no denying it: I was born for school.
Chemistry? Fire up that bunson burner and hand over the fire pants, Mr. Konig. I’m ready to mix and mingle (some soluble liquids, that is).
Art History? I’m all over those frescoes like white on rice. C’mon, you can’t really think I know about stigmata from reading the new testament.
Statistics? Texas Instruments and I have had an understanding ever since they made it possible to load Snake onto a graphing calculator.
Ten days from now, I will return to my natural environment and embark on what I hope will be the first of many graduate degrees. Like Buster Bluth before me, I see no reason to limit the extent of my knowledge on esoteric subject matter and/or the depth my student debt. God Bless America, the land of cheetos and Chapter 7!
But before I sashay into the b-school partay, here are a few expert tips for getting back into the educational groove. Class, sharpen those pencils!
Fact: Back-to-school shopping is second only to day-long beach benders in the annals of Favorite Feinberg Activities. However short your summer break, there is simply no excuse for being a puss when it comes to re-imaging your look for the coming school year. Bonus points for dramatic hair makeovers.
You think I’m joking? One year back at HHS, Babygirl (and by the transitive property of younger sisterdom, myself) decided it was time to bring back the Catholic schoolgirl look. So Linda marched our asses to Abercrombie and filled our closets with every manner of borderline skanky plaid skirt. ANGEL.
My concept for b-school? I’m thinking Kate Middleton at a polo match meets Marissa Mayer on her day off, minus the preggo belly and plus a luscious Jew-mane of brown hair.
Compile a soundtrack
Every year on the first day of school in Hastings, the senior class president would pipe some “I’m living in the biopic of mine own life” soundtrack music through the loudspeakers as everyone was filing into class and whispering about who got fat over the summer. That usually meant a little bit of Bittersweet Symphony and a touch of Sweet Emotion. I didn’t hate it.
But when it comes to the playlist I’ll be rocking on the Hudson Line Metro North train come Monday, I’m going to stick to tunes that scream “I’m going to get rich and pay off this Kilamanjaro of student loan debt one sweet day.” Sweeeeeeeeeet Emooooootionnnn!
Make it Big – Beach Boys (Gracias Troop Beverly Hills!)
Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend – Marilyn
Money for Nothing – Dire Straits
Let the River Run – Carly Simon (if you don’t understand, you owe Melanie Griffith an apology)
When I asked Snaggery what he would buy if he could swing through Office Depot circa one week from now, he said that he would purchase only products that can bore swiss cheese holes in your brain when used NOT in moderation.
And that is why we are dating.
Elmer’s Glue: for peeling off of one’s fingers when painfully bored, and definitely not for adhering one piece of construction paper to another.
Mr. Sketch scented markers. They smell amazing and beat huffing glue.
White Out: For when you’re out of scented markers. You’ll be making plenty of mistakes and craving some serious cerebellum-eating chemicals.